I LOVE my church family. I truely Love them.  I have been with my church for the most part, since late 2004.  I did at one point feel the need to search for greener paesters,but this is where home is.   My family and I recently had a financial need that was beyond our means and we really weren’t quite sure what we were going to do about it.  So Wednesday, at evening service, I asked my Pastor for a prayer request and I told him our situation.  He told us that he could do us one better and that we should bring the bill up and church would take care of it. Now for our church that is a very big deal, because we are a very small church, but God will provide.  So Thursday Patrick dropped off the bill up at church so they could help us out.  Well, apperantely church never got the opportunity.  An anonymous person took and paid the bill. So to whom ever you are thank you, you have helped our famliy in ways you can’t imagine.  And to my Church family, Thank you for loving and supporting us through all we have been though.  We love you all!!

Thank you  for all of your comments.  For all of your love.  For all of your support.  Just knowing that other people not only know my feelings, but that they care and they want to do what they can to help me, is already helping me. My husband, Patrick, and I have talked a lot and he didn’t realize that he was making issues worse.  He actually came to me and asked what could he do to help and what could he do make sure that he doesn’t  hurt me again.  That meant the world to me.  And my friends responding, offering to talk and help, was just another step up.  And EDW, someone I have never met but have but I have “talked” to her several times.  To know that she cares, means a lot.  I know that no one can really understand what it is that I am going through, but knowing that love and support is there makes all the difference in the world. Step by step and  day by day I feel myself getting out of my hole.  I played with the kids more this week, with a little more joy.  I made the effort to get all of us up and ready for church today, and I was very glad I did.  And I am very close to being ready to make a hair change.(Which for me is a very good thing!) God is bringing me out of my hole and God has brought all of you to me.

So to all of you THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU!!!!

I feel utterly alone. I know that people are trying to support me in what I am going through, but no one lets me complete a feeling.  It is almost as if they think they stop me short it hurts less, it doesn’t.  Like last night, it took every ounce of strength I had not to lose it at dinner.  It has been more than a month since I have been able to sit down and eat dinner with my family.  Occasionally I will sit and eat my smoothie, but more than a month since I have shared a meal with them.  I was getting upset about it and my husband tried to make light of it.  I think he was trying to help, but it doesn’t. I feel like I am sinking deeper into this hole. No one ever really asks me how I am truly doing, nor are they there to hold me in my sadness.  I talk to my friends less and less.  I don’t want to go anywhere, not that I really feel up to it.  I’m sure I have lost weight, I don’t care how much.  My roots on my hair are getting bad, I don’t care and I can’t remember the last time I wore make-up.

My pain continues on and I feel as if I may have to live this way forever.  I know that God  has a plan and this has to be a part of it, but I really need Him to lift me out of this and to give me my life back.  Goose and I were playing hide and seek and after a few rounds I was exasted.  Goose looked in to my eyes and asked when I was going to get better cause he misses the old mommy.  He prays for me every night, that God would take my pain away and make my tummy better.  Goose lays with me when I am sad or if I’m in too much pain to do anything else.  He gets me.  Goose, I Love you!!!

Things have to get better, right?

So it is official, I am full of it!  I went to the hospital last week for a possible bowel obstruction, very pain full.  I hadn’t gone to the bathroom in like 12 days.  They took a couple of x-rays and decided on a treatment.  It didn’t work, that is just my luck.  They decided on another treatment, it failed.  So they kept me.  The next day the gave me a very strong treatment under x-rays, so they could have more pictures of my colon. It worked!!!  I got to go home the next day, and not a day too soon.  That night both boys came down with fevers, Captain E’s was as high as 104.  They both had come down with strep and the flu.

Anyway, I am doing better in this department and I am no longer full of it.  And I am on meds that make sure that it doesn’t happen again.  Anything embarassing like this ever happen to you?

So since I have been home from the hospital the doctors have been working on controling my pain without knocking me out.  We are getting much closer.  But there is one big problem.  No one is addressing my abdominal pain, yes, the one pain that the pain coctail is not helping.  I have also not been able to eat solid food since I came home either.  Real food cramps my stomach something terrible, I can’t sand it.  So I have been living on homemade fruit and frozen yogurt smoothies, yogurt, lots of coffee and hot tea, and nutrigrain bars.  Today I had finally had enough, to top every thing off I have potty issues and I have been sick with those all day.

So I called my tummy doctor.  He tells me that I  should take Mira-lax for the potty issues and if that isn’t working well enough then there is a shot that I could get every other day that would help.  He said that I should puree all of my food, including meats.  He also suggested that I could eat baby food.  He said that I should get digestive enzimes and that should help.  He has NO idea why I am still having abdominal pain and he was very suprised that the pain doctor wasn’t addressing it.  At the end of the call he actually wished me good luck.

Baby food really??  Can’t they just fix it!!!!!  I am SOOO  tired of this crap!!  I actually thought that there was a light at the end of this tunnel.  Now that seems like a cruel joke.  I am being to wonder if any doctor can actually “fix” me.  Oh well, I’m off to puree my soup!